Enough already!

How many times in one day would you guess that I say, "Stop crying or you're going in time out." ?

Answer: 33. I counted yesterday.

God help me.

Another battle down, millions to go.

I think I may have won the battle of the poop, thank God!! After 3 days of holding it in, daughter finally sat on the toilet to go this morning and did it.

It's always amazing to me how validated I feel about my job as a mom when I win battles like this one. The validation and recognition are something I definitely miss about my old career, so when something like this happens, it's a huge rush.

Let's just see if she can keep up with it now!

Poop, revisited.

Due to rough circumstances during my first trimester I decided to suspend all potty training efforts with my toddler. I just didn't have it in my to do what needed to be done to get her pooping in the toilet.

So fast forward 4 months to today (wow, it's been a while hasn't it?), and here we are just where we were before: I am again dealing with an even more stubborn than before toddler who poops in her panties, smiles at me and then tells me she needs a new pair. This time around I'm in my second trimester and have WAY more energy and stamina than before so I feel like I can do what will be needed to get the job done. Today alone I had to deal with 3 separate poops and managed to keep my cool. It was a world record.

I know that punnishment is not the best way to go when potty training, but I'm just about at my wits end right now. It is clear to me that she has been pooping herself on purpose because of her reaction after she does it. This has been a classic power struggle... a test of wills if you will. Daughter is trying to see how long she can get away with it, and how many strategies I will go through to try to get her to do it. Here are the methods I have tried thusfar, each met with spectacular failure:

• bribery/rewards
• physical force
• calm discussion
• yelling
• ignoring the problem altogether
• making her "clean it up"

So now here I am thinking to myself, how the hell am I being outsmarted by an almost 3 year old? My new strategy is as follows:

• no more panties or diapers until she poops in the potty. Naked only.
• no more leaving the house until she poops in the potty.
• no more nick jr. computer games until she poops in the potty.
• no more dessert until she poops in the potty.
• no more reward stickers until she poops in the potty.
• no more books at bedtime until she poops in the potty.

I know it probably seems that I'm being overly harsh, but I need several things to take away so that it is a constant reminder to her that I am not going to tolerate her not using the toilet to poop any longer. Wish us luck.

Please don't deny me my right to feel.

Please let me preface this post by saying that it deals with a sensitive subject matter: infertility.

Please understand that my feelings are raw right now and that I mean no offense or hurt to anyone dealing with the struggle of not being able to conceive.


...


I have a friend who has been TTC with her husband for quite some time. While I wish her nothing but success, because I truly believe that she and her husband would make fabulous parents, I am beginning to feel like I can't be a supportive friend to her any more.

Of late, she has taken an "us vs. them" attitude towards conception and has really begun to piss me off. I know that it is easier to commiserate with people who have been through similar experiences and struggles, but I had always hoped that biology wouldn't hurt our friendship. I hope she realizes that I KNOW how fortunate my husband and I have been thusfar and that if I could give her some of my fertility, even if it meant some kind of painful procedure, I would do it.

All this said, I can't help but feel like I'm being penalized for something over which I have absolutely no control.

Recently, in her blog she made a comment that I felt was directed at me--it was along the lines of how she wanted to tell her pregnant friends who complain about pregnancy symptoms to STFU and realize how lucky they were, and how she would gladly trade places because "isn't it all worth it, after all?"

I know these comments were directed at me. She knows I read her blog. While I have never complained directly to her, she likely read comments regarding my current pregnancy on a message board we both belong to (about 30 women, we both know in one way or another). After mentioning that I was pregnant, I also mentioned that I had been suffering from debilitating morning sickness--the kind that has kept me either in bed, or in the bathroom puking for the greater part of two weeks thusfar.

The thing is, this time around, I have been so sick that I have had thoughts about whether or not it is worth it. Being this sick at 7 weeks, and knowing that there are at least 5 more weeks of feeling the same old shit, meanwhile "taking care" of a toddler will fuck with even the strongest mind.

I realize that my friend may feel that she wants what I have, but when I can barely feel that I even want what I have, it gets me thinking that she is highly idealizing my situation. . . and all of the "negative" things that people might think about parenthood, and dismiss aren't really the negative things at all. Blowout diapers and tantrums aren't the worst things about having a baby. That's nothing, compared to the emotional stress parenthood imparts on a mom who feels less than adequate most of the time, and who has been bedridden while letting television rot her toddler's brain, and the fear that a lifetime of less than adequate parenting may be fucking up my daughter for life. Oh yeah, and that I'm about to do it all over again? And that I'm not really sure that I want to? And that it scares the shit out of me?

I'm not sure I understand why I'm not allowed to feel this way in her world. Or why I'm not allowed to say that I feel this way because she thinks she wants what I have.

Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I feel like I've done everything I can to be sensitive to her, but then when I read something like what she wrote on her blog, it felt like a huge blow--especially when I feel like I'm just gasping for air right now.

Cleaning poop out of panties makes me want to...

. . . go absolutely batshit crazy.

I know all the potty training books say not to scold accidents, which is how I handle all pee-related leakage.

But poop, well that's an entirely different story. My daughter shits her pants on purpose because she claims that she's scared to go in the potty.

She has pooped in the potty several times before without issue.

WTF am I supposed to do with that?!

"Mommy doesn't like cleaning poop out of your panties. It is disgusting!"

Yet she continues to do it.

Help.

Racism sucks.

It truly does.


I probably haven't mentioned it before, but my daughter is biracial. My husband is African-American (mostly) and I'm Caucasian. Sure, we've dealt with minor issues over the past 10 years, but only recently have I started worrying about raising my daughter in a world full of prejudiced and bigoted people. When I look at that sweet little girl, I don't even see how someone could judge her in any way because she doesn't look the same as all the other kids.


The past month or two has been really, really eye-opening to me in regards to this issue. Maybe I've been living under a rock most of my life, but up until recently I had believed that we lived in a part of the country where people are more liberal, and perhaps less openly bigoted towards other people. I mean, it is hard to know what goes on behind closed doors, but at least my experience with my husband out in public is that people just don't give a shit what either of us looks like.


So a few weeks ago, I was taking my daughter to visit preschools, and was having an extremely difficult time finding a school that offered the quality of education that I'd like for her as well as a diverse class makeup. When we visited one school in a nearby town, the woman I met with (one of the parents) was very "concerned" about the fact that we live in XYZ city, a city better known in these parts for its gang violence than for its beautiful historical architecture and arts scene. This woman was "worried" about whether my daughter would "fit in" with the rest of the student population because of where she came from, or so she said. She said all this with such attitude and disdain that it was easy to read between the lines. All I could think of this woman was, who the fuck do you think you are?!? And, why don't you just come out and say what you're thinking, you racist bitch?!! So, needless to say, I did not choose to send daughter to that school.


Fast forward to this past week. Daughter and I were at a play date at a "friend's" house with two other moms and their 2.5 year olds. Anyways, the moms were sitting around the kitchen table when during a discussion about schools, the host mom reels off about how she used to work in XYZ town and how there were all these "punk Puerto Rican kids, you know the type. . ." and proceeded to deliver the most racist rant I've ever heard in what was supposed to be polite conversation. Not to mention that she prefaced the comment with, "Please don't think I'm racist but. . ." which is a sentiment that immediately sets alarms off in my head because it is almost always followed by a comment that is blatantly racist and out of line, and is almost always uttered by someone who prides themselves for being liberal or open minded. It is just sick.

So, I should probably also mention that one of the other mom's husbands is Puerto Rican, and her children are also Puerto Rican, and it is likely that this host mom didn't realize. (This mom is a close friend of mine whom I've known since I was nine) We know that she wasn't trying to be hurtful, and probably doesn't have anything personal against any of us, but seriously, who says that kind of shit out loud in company you're not that close with?

My friend was heartbroken and I was heartbroken for her, and for our kids. I'm pissed that we've wasted over a year with this little group, and only now the people's true colors are starting to be apparent.

We're not sure if we're going to start to distance ourselves from them or not, or even if we're going to say something to this out of line mom. Our first priority should be to protect our kids from hateful people, so that's where we stand right now.

Finding good mom friends is hard enough, but staying in a friendship with someone who isn't very open minded doesn't benefit us at all.

We should have worn full body condoms.

Um, so yeah.

It wasn't supposed to happen this soon. We were using protection. "After your April cycle," is what she recommended. I didn't even hit my cycle in March.

I shouldn't complain because this is the outcome we were hoping for eventually and I know that we are extremely fortunate to be able to get pregnant with such ease, but after what happened last time, I'm more than a bit worried that this pregnancy will end in a similar fashion to the last one.