... until I am cleared to have sex again.
My husband is more than ready. I am more than scared, and just a little bit annoyed.
Is it wrong that I'm not looking forward to getting it on until we're cleared for baby making sex again? That really is the best kind of sex anyways.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Recovery
Lower points:
- The pre-surgery anxiety.
- The IV in my hand which was painful for some reason.
- Being alone while waiting for the surgery and receiving antibiotics (husband could not be with me b/c he had to take care of daughter).
- Receiving anesthesia which was so painful in my hand that it sent me into a full-fledged anxiety attack, followed by blackout.
- Thinking about people working on me while I was unconscious still makes me uneasy.
- The doctor's description of the procedure made me sick to my stomach.
- Mesh panties.
- Calculating in my head the number of months until we can TTC again.
- Methergine, the post-op drug designed to help contract my uterus.
- The caring and wonderful nurses.
- The fact that I was completely under so I didn't have to experience the surgery.
- Waking up and realizing that it was over.
- The post-surgery anesthesia haze that made me high and cheery despite what was happening.
- The post-surgery pain hasn't been that bad.
- Being able to have an excuse to stay in bed for 2 days to recuperate.
- Having my husband wait on me.
- Tylenol with codeine.
- Snuggling with daughter.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Confirmed
I have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm not entirely comfortable with this decision. I wish that my body would miscarry naturally, but I'm so far along that it is getting risky to stay "pregnant" and that I might eventually need a D&C anyways.
I'm scared of having the procedure done, and what the aftermath will be like.
I'm scared of having the procedure done, and what the aftermath will be like.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
No news is bad news
Waiting for today's ultrasound appointment was agony. I haven't been sleeping well and have had continued pregnancy symptoms as a constant reminder of the issue that has become central to my daily thinking for the past week.
The news was not good even though the ultrasound tech didn't give me information one way or the the other. I recognized the image I saw on the computer screen. It was the same as last week. A big empty hole where a little heartbeat should be.
So now I wait. It is already past 5:00 so there's no way the doctor's office is calling today. I hate this waiting game. It is all so unfair and awful.
My MIL called this afternoon to see how my appointment went, and she seemed somewhat dismayed that I wasn't sitting here in tears mourning my loss. The truth is, I don't feel like that. Instead I'm just annoyed that we have to start all over. I'm annoyed that my body won't naturally rid itself of this pregnancy so I can get on with my life. I'm annoyed that I have to sit here waiting for a diagnosis that I already know, but need to hear the words for my own personal closure. I'm annoyed at the prospect of my holier-than-thou sister-in-law possibly saying something to me about how I might not have lost this pregnancy if I had a better diet... exercised more... prayed more to Jebus... whatever. I'm annoyed that my husband even told people in his family when I don't want them to have intimate knowledge of my reproductive system. Damn. Isn't anything sacred any more?!
I'm also sad for daughter because I so want her to have a younger brother or sister, and now that I've been through the first 9 weeks of a pregnancy (ok, well, really 5 weeks that I've known) that I have become really comfortable with the idea of growing our family in 2008. Now it looks like the earliest we could hope for is a February 2009 baby. And if that is the case I won't be able to re-use any of my damn maternity clothes! Gah!
I realize that so many women go through this experience, and that the process is totally natural, but my feelings are still not comforted.
The news was not good even though the ultrasound tech didn't give me information one way or the the other. I recognized the image I saw on the computer screen. It was the same as last week. A big empty hole where a little heartbeat should be.
So now I wait. It is already past 5:00 so there's no way the doctor's office is calling today. I hate this waiting game. It is all so unfair and awful.
My MIL called this afternoon to see how my appointment went, and she seemed somewhat dismayed that I wasn't sitting here in tears mourning my loss. The truth is, I don't feel like that. Instead I'm just annoyed that we have to start all over. I'm annoyed that my body won't naturally rid itself of this pregnancy so I can get on with my life. I'm annoyed that I have to sit here waiting for a diagnosis that I already know, but need to hear the words for my own personal closure. I'm annoyed at the prospect of my holier-than-thou sister-in-law possibly saying something to me about how I might not have lost this pregnancy if I had a better diet... exercised more... prayed more to Jebus... whatever. I'm annoyed that my husband even told people in his family when I don't want them to have intimate knowledge of my reproductive system. Damn. Isn't anything sacred any more?!
I'm also sad for daughter because I so want her to have a younger brother or sister, and now that I've been through the first 9 weeks of a pregnancy (ok, well, really 5 weeks that I've known) that I have become really comfortable with the idea of growing our family in 2008. Now it looks like the earliest we could hope for is a February 2009 baby. And if that is the case I won't be able to re-use any of my damn maternity clothes! Gah!
I realize that so many women go through this experience, and that the process is totally natural, but my feelings are still not comforted.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A little bit pregnant, truly.
We hadn't been trying long, maybe 1 or 2 months before I got a BFP right before Christmas. We were both excited and nervous about the prospects of growing our family. Unlike the last time around I decided to share the news with our parents really early on, but now I'm beginning to understand why people don't do that.
My first appointment, scheduled for January 8th, unfortunately did not go as planned. Both Maggie and the husband came to the appointment with me. I was set to have an ultrasound, and we figured it would be a really special moment for us to all see the little heartbeat on the monitor together. Well, notsomuch. During the ultrasound the tech could not find the baby, only the gestational sac, which means one of two things--either the baby didn't develop past 4 or 5 weeks or that I was much further behind than I originally thought (the latter of which being near to impossible because I had been keeping close track of my dates). I left the office feeling teary, but trying to keep it together for Maggies sake. She asked me several times, "OK mommy? Feel better?" in that sweet little voice of hers which was enough to break my heart.
Before going home, I had to give some blood so they could check my HCG and progestrone levels. The results of this test would determine what the next step would be, but I also had to wait until the following morning since it was already 4:30 in the afternoon.
That night of waiting was absolutely awful. I prayed that the office would call me early in the morning with some news one way or the other. Well, thankfully they got me around 9:30, and told me that my hormone levels were high enough to indicate that I wasn't miscarrying and they also wanted me to schedule a HD ultrasound the following week (this upcoming Wednesday) to see if I had made any progress compared to my previous screen.
So now, here I sit in limbo. A little bit pregnant, but on the cusp of possibly losing it. I made the mistake of googling for information about this type of situation, and found that my chances were about 50/50. I still have pregnancy symptoms such as sore boobs, exhaustion, nausea and very sensitive smell, but every once in a while I wonder if it is all in my head. I dread each time that I go to the bathroom that I'm going to find something I'm not prepared for.
On top of all this, I feel like an impostor around my new mom friends who don't know what's up. Yesterday we met up with two of my newer mom friends and their girls at a pottery painting place and I was on the verge of tears trying to deal with one of Maggie's tantrums, yet I felt like a total ass because I couldn't tell them why I was acting the way I was. Way to turn off potential friends you know?
I had a long talk with my mom too, who told me the same thing had happened to her between myself and my brother. She had all sorts of philosophical b.s. to tell me about how I don't want the baby that "wasn't meant to be" yadda yadda yadda. While I appreciate her trying to reach out to me while I'm going through this, it wasn't what I needed to hear that night.
My best support so far has been from one of my best friends, who always wants to hear how I'm feeling. She has been even better than my husband, who I suspect is sick of hearing me whine about my pregnancy symptoms and my mental anguish about what might or might not be happening to my body.
I'm ready for this limbo to be over, no matter how things turn out. If I'm not pregnant, then I'm ready to move on try again. If I am still pregnant, then praise God, and let me move on to the next thing--figuring out how we're going to have a baby, a toddler and two grownups in a 850 s.f., two bedroom apartment!
My first appointment, scheduled for January 8th, unfortunately did not go as planned. Both Maggie and the husband came to the appointment with me. I was set to have an ultrasound, and we figured it would be a really special moment for us to all see the little heartbeat on the monitor together. Well, notsomuch. During the ultrasound the tech could not find the baby, only the gestational sac, which means one of two things--either the baby didn't develop past 4 or 5 weeks or that I was much further behind than I originally thought (the latter of which being near to impossible because I had been keeping close track of my dates). I left the office feeling teary, but trying to keep it together for Maggies sake. She asked me several times, "OK mommy? Feel better?" in that sweet little voice of hers which was enough to break my heart.
Before going home, I had to give some blood so they could check my HCG and progestrone levels. The results of this test would determine what the next step would be, but I also had to wait until the following morning since it was already 4:30 in the afternoon.
That night of waiting was absolutely awful. I prayed that the office would call me early in the morning with some news one way or the other. Well, thankfully they got me around 9:30, and told me that my hormone levels were high enough to indicate that I wasn't miscarrying and they also wanted me to schedule a HD ultrasound the following week (this upcoming Wednesday) to see if I had made any progress compared to my previous screen.
So now, here I sit in limbo. A little bit pregnant, but on the cusp of possibly losing it. I made the mistake of googling for information about this type of situation, and found that my chances were about 50/50. I still have pregnancy symptoms such as sore boobs, exhaustion, nausea and very sensitive smell, but every once in a while I wonder if it is all in my head. I dread each time that I go to the bathroom that I'm going to find something I'm not prepared for.
On top of all this, I feel like an impostor around my new mom friends who don't know what's up. Yesterday we met up with two of my newer mom friends and their girls at a pottery painting place and I was on the verge of tears trying to deal with one of Maggie's tantrums, yet I felt like a total ass because I couldn't tell them why I was acting the way I was. Way to turn off potential friends you know?
I had a long talk with my mom too, who told me the same thing had happened to her between myself and my brother. She had all sorts of philosophical b.s. to tell me about how I don't want the baby that "wasn't meant to be" yadda yadda yadda. While I appreciate her trying to reach out to me while I'm going through this, it wasn't what I needed to hear that night.
My best support so far has been from one of my best friends, who always wants to hear how I'm feeling. She has been even better than my husband, who I suspect is sick of hearing me whine about my pregnancy symptoms and my mental anguish about what might or might not be happening to my body.
I'm ready for this limbo to be over, no matter how things turn out. If I'm not pregnant, then I'm ready to move on try again. If I am still pregnant, then praise God, and let me move on to the next thing--figuring out how we're going to have a baby, a toddler and two grownups in a 850 s.f., two bedroom apartment!
Thank you Constance
You always knew that we needed a secret pink apartment building in the city. For this, I thank you greatly. xoxo
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