How many times in one day would you guess that I say, "Stop crying or you're going in time out." ?
Answer: 33. I counted yesterday.
God help me.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Another battle down, millions to go.
I think I may have won the battle of the poop, thank God!! After 3 days of holding it in, daughter finally sat on the toilet to go this morning and did it.
It's always amazing to me how validated I feel about my job as a mom when I win battles like this one. The validation and recognition are something I definitely miss about my old career, so when something like this happens, it's a huge rush.
Let's just see if she can keep up with it now!
It's always amazing to me how validated I feel about my job as a mom when I win battles like this one. The validation and recognition are something I definitely miss about my old career, so when something like this happens, it's a huge rush.
Let's just see if she can keep up with it now!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Poop, revisited.
Due to rough circumstances during my first trimester I decided to suspend all potty training efforts with my toddler. I just didn't have it in my to do what needed to be done to get her pooping in the toilet.
So fast forward 4 months to today (wow, it's been a while hasn't it?), and here we are just where we were before: I am again dealing with an even more stubborn than before toddler who poops in her panties, smiles at me and then tells me she needs a new pair. This time around I'm in my second trimester and have WAY more energy and stamina than before so I feel like I can do what will be needed to get the job done. Today alone I had to deal with 3 separate poops and managed to keep my cool. It was a world record.
I know that punnishment is not the best way to go when potty training, but I'm just about at my wits end right now. It is clear to me that she has been pooping herself on purpose because of her reaction after she does it. This has been a classic power struggle... a test of wills if you will. Daughter is trying to see how long she can get away with it, and how many strategies I will go through to try to get her to do it. Here are the methods I have tried thusfar, each met with spectacular failure:
So fast forward 4 months to today (wow, it's been a while hasn't it?), and here we are just where we were before: I am again dealing with an even more stubborn than before toddler who poops in her panties, smiles at me and then tells me she needs a new pair. This time around I'm in my second trimester and have WAY more energy and stamina than before so I feel like I can do what will be needed to get the job done. Today alone I had to deal with 3 separate poops and managed to keep my cool. It was a world record.
I know that punnishment is not the best way to go when potty training, but I'm just about at my wits end right now. It is clear to me that she has been pooping herself on purpose because of her reaction after she does it. This has been a classic power struggle... a test of wills if you will. Daughter is trying to see how long she can get away with it, and how many strategies I will go through to try to get her to do it. Here are the methods I have tried thusfar, each met with spectacular failure:
- bribery/rewards
- physical force
- calm discussion
- yelling
- ignoring the problem altogether
- making her "clean it up"
So now here I am thinking to myself, how the hell am I being outsmarted by an almost 3 year old? My new strategy is as follows:
- no more panties or diapers until she poops in the potty. Naked only.
- no more leaving the house until she poops in the potty.
- no more nick jr. computer games until she poops in the potty.
- no more dessert until she poops in the potty.
- no more reward stickers until she poops in the potty.
- no more books at bedtime until she poops in the potty.
I know it probably seems that I'm being overly harsh, but I need several things to take away so that it is a constant reminder to her that I am not going to tolerate her not using the toilet to poop any longer. Wish us luck.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Please don't deny me my right to feel.
Please let me preface this post by saying that it deals with a sensitive subject matter: infertility.
Please understand that my feelings are raw right now and that I mean no offense or hurt to anyone dealing with the struggle of not being able to conceive.
...
I have a friend who has been TTC with her husband for quite some time. While I wish her nothing but success, because I truly believe that she and her husband would make fabulous parents, I am beginning to feel like I can't be a supportive friend to her any more.
Of late, she has taken an "us vs. them" attitude towards conception and has really begun to piss me off. I know that it is easier to commiserate with people who have been through similar experiences and struggles, but I had always hoped that biology wouldn't hurt our friendship. I hope she realizes that I KNOW how fortunate my husband and I have been thusfar and that if I could give her some of my fertility, even if it meant some kind of painful procedure, I would do it.
All this said, I can't help but feel like I'm being penalized for something over which I have absolutely no control.
Recently, in her blog she made a comment that I felt was directed at me--it was along the lines of how she wanted to tell her pregnant friends who complain about pregnancy symptoms to STFU and realize how lucky they were, and how she would gladly trade places because "isn't it all worth it, after all?"
I know these comments were directed at me. She knows I read her blog. While I have never complained directly to her, she likely read comments regarding my current pregnancy on a message board we both belong to (about 30 women, we both know in one way or another). After mentioning that I was pregnant, I also mentioned that I had been suffering from debilitating morning sickness--the kind that has kept me either in bed, or in the bathroom puking for the greater part of two weeks thusfar.
The thing is, this time around, I have been so sick that I have had thoughts about whether or not it is worth it. Being this sick at 7 weeks, and knowing that there are at least 5 more weeks of feeling the same old shit, meanwhile "taking care" of a toddler will fuck with even the strongest mind.
I realize that my friend may feel that she wants what I have, but when I can barely feel that I even want what I have, it gets me thinking that she is highly idealizing my situation. . . and all of the "negative" things that people might think about parenthood, and dismiss aren't really the negative things at all. Blowout diapers and tantrums aren't the worst things about having a baby. That's nothing, compared to the emotional stress parenthood imparts on a mom who feels less than adequate most of the time, and who has been bedridden while letting television rot her toddler's brain, and the fear that a lifetime of less than adequate parenting may be fucking up my daughter for life. Oh yeah, and that I'm about to do it all over again? And that I'm not really sure that I want to? And that it scares the shit out of me?
I'm not sure I understand why I'm not allowed to feel this way in her world. Or why I'm not allowed to say that I feel this way because she thinks she wants what I have.
Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I feel like I've done everything I can to be sensitive to her, but then when I read something like what she wrote on her blog, it felt like a huge blow--especially when I feel like I'm just gasping for air right now.
Please understand that my feelings are raw right now and that I mean no offense or hurt to anyone dealing with the struggle of not being able to conceive.
...
I have a friend who has been TTC with her husband for quite some time. While I wish her nothing but success, because I truly believe that she and her husband would make fabulous parents, I am beginning to feel like I can't be a supportive friend to her any more.
Of late, she has taken an "us vs. them" attitude towards conception and has really begun to piss me off. I know that it is easier to commiserate with people who have been through similar experiences and struggles, but I had always hoped that biology wouldn't hurt our friendship. I hope she realizes that I KNOW how fortunate my husband and I have been thusfar and that if I could give her some of my fertility, even if it meant some kind of painful procedure, I would do it.
All this said, I can't help but feel like I'm being penalized for something over which I have absolutely no control.
Recently, in her blog she made a comment that I felt was directed at me--it was along the lines of how she wanted to tell her pregnant friends who complain about pregnancy symptoms to STFU and realize how lucky they were, and how she would gladly trade places because "isn't it all worth it, after all?"
I know these comments were directed at me. She knows I read her blog. While I have never complained directly to her, she likely read comments regarding my current pregnancy on a message board we both belong to (about 30 women, we both know in one way or another). After mentioning that I was pregnant, I also mentioned that I had been suffering from debilitating morning sickness--the kind that has kept me either in bed, or in the bathroom puking for the greater part of two weeks thusfar.
The thing is, this time around, I have been so sick that I have had thoughts about whether or not it is worth it. Being this sick at 7 weeks, and knowing that there are at least 5 more weeks of feeling the same old shit, meanwhile "taking care" of a toddler will fuck with even the strongest mind.
I realize that my friend may feel that she wants what I have, but when I can barely feel that I even want what I have, it gets me thinking that she is highly idealizing my situation. . . and all of the "negative" things that people might think about parenthood, and dismiss aren't really the negative things at all. Blowout diapers and tantrums aren't the worst things about having a baby. That's nothing, compared to the emotional stress parenthood imparts on a mom who feels less than adequate most of the time, and who has been bedridden while letting television rot her toddler's brain, and the fear that a lifetime of less than adequate parenting may be fucking up my daughter for life. Oh yeah, and that I'm about to do it all over again? And that I'm not really sure that I want to? And that it scares the shit out of me?
I'm not sure I understand why I'm not allowed to feel this way in her world. Or why I'm not allowed to say that I feel this way because she thinks she wants what I have.
Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I feel like I've done everything I can to be sensitive to her, but then when I read something like what she wrote on her blog, it felt like a huge blow--especially when I feel like I'm just gasping for air right now.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Cleaning poop out of panties makes me want to...
. . . go absolutely batshit crazy.
I know all the potty training books say not to scold accidents, which is how I handle all pee-related leakage.
But poop, well that's an entirely different story. My daughter shits her pants on purpose because she claims that she's scared to go in the potty.
She has pooped in the potty several times before without issue.
WTF am I supposed to do with that?!
"Mommy doesn't like cleaning poop out of your panties. It is disgusting!"
Yet she continues to do it.
Help.
I know all the potty training books say not to scold accidents, which is how I handle all pee-related leakage.
But poop, well that's an entirely different story. My daughter shits her pants on purpose because she claims that she's scared to go in the potty.
She has pooped in the potty several times before without issue.
WTF am I supposed to do with that?!
"Mommy doesn't like cleaning poop out of your panties. It is disgusting!"
Yet she continues to do it.
Help.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Racism sucks.
It truly does.
I probably haven't mentioned it before, but my daughter is biracial. My husband is African-American (mostly) and I'm Caucasian. Sure, we've dealt with minor issues over the past 10 years, but only recently have I started worrying about raising my daughter in a world full of prejudiced and bigoted people. When I look at that sweet little girl, I don't even see how someone could judge her in any way because she doesn't look the same as all the other kids.
The past month or two has been really, really eye-opening to me in regards to this issue. Maybe I've been living under a rock most of my life, but up until recently I had believed that we lived in a part of the country where people are more liberal, and perhaps less openly bigoted towards other people. I mean, it is hard to know what goes on behind closed doors, but at least my experience with my husband out in public is that people just don't give a shit what either of us looks like.
So a few weeks ago, I was taking my daughter to visit preschools, and was having an extremely difficult time finding a school that offered the quality of education that I'd like for her as well as a diverse class makeup. When we visited one school in a nearby town, the woman I met with (one of the parents) was very "concerned" about the fact that we live in XYZ city, a city better known in these parts for its gang violence than for its beautiful historical architecture and arts scene. This woman was "worried" about whether my daughter would "fit in" with the rest of the student population because of where she came from, or so she said. She said all this with such attitude and disdain that it was easy to read between the lines. All I could think of this woman was, who the fuck do you think you are?!? And, why don't you just come out and say what you're thinking, you racist bitch?!! So, needless to say, I did not choose to send daughter to that school.
Fast forward to this past week. Daughter and I were at a play date at a "friend's" house with two other moms and their 2.5 year olds. Anyways, the moms were sitting around the kitchen table when during a discussion about schools, the host mom reels off about how she used to work in XYZ town and how there were all these "punk Puerto Rican kids, you know the type. . ." and proceeded to deliver the most racist rant I've ever heard in what was supposed to be polite conversation. Not to mention that she prefaced the comment with, "Please don't think I'm racist but. . ." which is a sentiment that immediately sets alarms off in my head because it is almost always followed by a comment that is blatantly racist and out of line, and is almost always uttered by someone who prides themselves for being liberal or open minded. It is just sick.
So, I should probably also mention that one of the other mom's husbands is Puerto Rican, and her children are also Puerto Rican, and it is likely that this host mom didn't realize. (This mom is a close friend of mine whom I've known since I was nine) We know that she wasn't trying to be hurtful, and probably doesn't have anything personal against any of us, but seriously, who says that kind of shit out loud in company you're not that close with?
My friend was heartbroken and I was heartbroken for her, and for our kids. I'm pissed that we've wasted over a year with this little group, and only now the people's true colors are starting to be apparent.
We're not sure if we're going to start to distance ourselves from them or not, or even if we're going to say something to this out of line mom. Our first priority should be to protect our kids from hateful people, so that's where we stand right now.
Finding good mom friends is hard enough, but staying in a friendship with someone who isn't very open minded doesn't benefit us at all.
I probably haven't mentioned it before, but my daughter is biracial. My husband is African-American (mostly) and I'm Caucasian. Sure, we've dealt with minor issues over the past 10 years, but only recently have I started worrying about raising my daughter in a world full of prejudiced and bigoted people. When I look at that sweet little girl, I don't even see how someone could judge her in any way because she doesn't look the same as all the other kids.
The past month or two has been really, really eye-opening to me in regards to this issue. Maybe I've been living under a rock most of my life, but up until recently I had believed that we lived in a part of the country where people are more liberal, and perhaps less openly bigoted towards other people. I mean, it is hard to know what goes on behind closed doors, but at least my experience with my husband out in public is that people just don't give a shit what either of us looks like.
So a few weeks ago, I was taking my daughter to visit preschools, and was having an extremely difficult time finding a school that offered the quality of education that I'd like for her as well as a diverse class makeup. When we visited one school in a nearby town, the woman I met with (one of the parents) was very "concerned" about the fact that we live in XYZ city, a city better known in these parts for its gang violence than for its beautiful historical architecture and arts scene. This woman was "worried" about whether my daughter would "fit in" with the rest of the student population because of where she came from, or so she said. She said all this with such attitude and disdain that it was easy to read between the lines. All I could think of this woman was, who the fuck do you think you are?!? And, why don't you just come out and say what you're thinking, you racist bitch?!! So, needless to say, I did not choose to send daughter to that school.
Fast forward to this past week. Daughter and I were at a play date at a "friend's" house with two other moms and their 2.5 year olds. Anyways, the moms were sitting around the kitchen table when during a discussion about schools, the host mom reels off about how she used to work in XYZ town and how there were all these "punk Puerto Rican kids, you know the type. . ." and proceeded to deliver the most racist rant I've ever heard in what was supposed to be polite conversation. Not to mention that she prefaced the comment with, "Please don't think I'm racist but. . ." which is a sentiment that immediately sets alarms off in my head because it is almost always followed by a comment that is blatantly racist and out of line, and is almost always uttered by someone who prides themselves for being liberal or open minded. It is just sick.
So, I should probably also mention that one of the other mom's husbands is Puerto Rican, and her children are also Puerto Rican, and it is likely that this host mom didn't realize. (This mom is a close friend of mine whom I've known since I was nine) We know that she wasn't trying to be hurtful, and probably doesn't have anything personal against any of us, but seriously, who says that kind of shit out loud in company you're not that close with?
My friend was heartbroken and I was heartbroken for her, and for our kids. I'm pissed that we've wasted over a year with this little group, and only now the people's true colors are starting to be apparent.
We're not sure if we're going to start to distance ourselves from them or not, or even if we're going to say something to this out of line mom. Our first priority should be to protect our kids from hateful people, so that's where we stand right now.
Finding good mom friends is hard enough, but staying in a friendship with someone who isn't very open minded doesn't benefit us at all.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
We should have worn full body condoms.
Um, so yeah.
It wasn't supposed to happen this soon. We were using protection. "After your April cycle," is what she recommended. I didn't even hit my cycle in March.
I shouldn't complain because this is the outcome we were hoping for eventually and I know that we are extremely fortunate to be able to get pregnant with such ease, but after what happened last time, I'm more than a bit worried that this pregnancy will end in a similar fashion to the last one.
It wasn't supposed to happen this soon. We were using protection. "After your April cycle," is what she recommended. I didn't even hit my cycle in March.
I shouldn't complain because this is the outcome we were hoping for eventually and I know that we are extremely fortunate to be able to get pregnant with such ease, but after what happened last time, I'm more than a bit worried that this pregnancy will end in a similar fashion to the last one.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The Antidote
My husband is away on business, which means that our household is surprisingly sane. I seem to do better as a mom when I know that I'm the first, and last line of defense, and that I only have two people to take care of instead of THREE. During the times when my husband is away I am better organized, and daughter seems to thrive off of all the order. When husband is home, sometimes I feel like I'm running around like a crazy person, trying to make sure that he is taken care of as well, while ignoring my needs and sometimes my daughter's needs because I am so frazzled. When the hell did it become my responsibility to take care of THREE fucking people?! Oh yeah, the minute I threw my career under the bus and decided to be in the house full time... although I don't remember taking care of my husband to be a part of that deal.
But please don't get me wrong... I miss the man when he is away. Desperately. I hate being lonely and sometimes feeling without day-to-day purpose. All of a sudden it doesn't seem like a bad idea to have chicken nuggets for dinner 3 nights in a row. I mean, daughter certainly won't complain. She'd eat them all day if she could.
Husband will be home late tomorrow night, and I will be glad to have my backup return, even if it means that I have to get back to work, so to speak.
In other news, I finally had my post-D&C OBGYN appointment last week and was relieved to hear that everything is fine. We aren't supposed to start officially TTC until after my April period, although I'll admit that we've been throwing caution to the wind recently and it is making me nervous, but also excited for the prospects and possibilities.
One other piece of information that I was happy to find out, and want to shout from the rooftops to anyone that will listen is that my hormone induced bouts of depression aren't just in my head. The dr. told me that it is pretty common for women to fall into a funk during the week post-ovulation and that there are actually things that I can do about it! She recommended that I increase my calcium to 1000-1200mg/day (2 Citrical), reduce my carb intake and try to take a brisk walk for 15 mins. I am extremely pleased to report that this remedy worked WONDERS for me last month. I hope that it will work every month b/c I feel like I have been suffering these cycle effects every month for over 10 years. I wish I had known sooner that there was something realistic that I could do to help!!!!
But please don't get me wrong... I miss the man when he is away. Desperately. I hate being lonely and sometimes feeling without day-to-day purpose. All of a sudden it doesn't seem like a bad idea to have chicken nuggets for dinner 3 nights in a row. I mean, daughter certainly won't complain. She'd eat them all day if she could.
Husband will be home late tomorrow night, and I will be glad to have my backup return, even if it means that I have to get back to work, so to speak.
In other news, I finally had my post-D&C OBGYN appointment last week and was relieved to hear that everything is fine. We aren't supposed to start officially TTC until after my April period, although I'll admit that we've been throwing caution to the wind recently and it is making me nervous, but also excited for the prospects and possibilities.
One other piece of information that I was happy to find out, and want to shout from the rooftops to anyone that will listen is that my hormone induced bouts of depression aren't just in my head. The dr. told me that it is pretty common for women to fall into a funk during the week post-ovulation and that there are actually things that I can do about it! She recommended that I increase my calcium to 1000-1200mg/day (2 Citrical), reduce my carb intake and try to take a brisk walk for 15 mins. I am extremely pleased to report that this remedy worked WONDERS for me last month. I hope that it will work every month b/c I feel like I have been suffering these cycle effects every month for over 10 years. I wish I had known sooner that there was something realistic that I could do to help!!!!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
6 more days...
... until I am cleared to have sex again.
My husband is more than ready. I am more than scared, and just a little bit annoyed.
Is it wrong that I'm not looking forward to getting it on until we're cleared for baby making sex again? That really is the best kind of sex anyways.
My husband is more than ready. I am more than scared, and just a little bit annoyed.
Is it wrong that I'm not looking forward to getting it on until we're cleared for baby making sex again? That really is the best kind of sex anyways.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Recovery
Lower points:
- The pre-surgery anxiety.
- The IV in my hand which was painful for some reason.
- Being alone while waiting for the surgery and receiving antibiotics (husband could not be with me b/c he had to take care of daughter).
- Receiving anesthesia which was so painful in my hand that it sent me into a full-fledged anxiety attack, followed by blackout.
- Thinking about people working on me while I was unconscious still makes me uneasy.
- The doctor's description of the procedure made me sick to my stomach.
- Mesh panties.
- Calculating in my head the number of months until we can TTC again.
- Methergine, the post-op drug designed to help contract my uterus.
- The caring and wonderful nurses.
- The fact that I was completely under so I didn't have to experience the surgery.
- Waking up and realizing that it was over.
- The post-surgery anesthesia haze that made me high and cheery despite what was happening.
- The post-surgery pain hasn't been that bad.
- Being able to have an excuse to stay in bed for 2 days to recuperate.
- Having my husband wait on me.
- Tylenol with codeine.
- Snuggling with daughter.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Confirmed
I have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow morning. I'm not entirely comfortable with this decision. I wish that my body would miscarry naturally, but I'm so far along that it is getting risky to stay "pregnant" and that I might eventually need a D&C anyways.
I'm scared of having the procedure done, and what the aftermath will be like.
I'm scared of having the procedure done, and what the aftermath will be like.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
No news is bad news
Waiting for today's ultrasound appointment was agony. I haven't been sleeping well and have had continued pregnancy symptoms as a constant reminder of the issue that has become central to my daily thinking for the past week.
The news was not good even though the ultrasound tech didn't give me information one way or the the other. I recognized the image I saw on the computer screen. It was the same as last week. A big empty hole where a little heartbeat should be.
So now I wait. It is already past 5:00 so there's no way the doctor's office is calling today. I hate this waiting game. It is all so unfair and awful.
My MIL called this afternoon to see how my appointment went, and she seemed somewhat dismayed that I wasn't sitting here in tears mourning my loss. The truth is, I don't feel like that. Instead I'm just annoyed that we have to start all over. I'm annoyed that my body won't naturally rid itself of this pregnancy so I can get on with my life. I'm annoyed that I have to sit here waiting for a diagnosis that I already know, but need to hear the words for my own personal closure. I'm annoyed at the prospect of my holier-than-thou sister-in-law possibly saying something to me about how I might not have lost this pregnancy if I had a better diet... exercised more... prayed more to Jebus... whatever. I'm annoyed that my husband even told people in his family when I don't want them to have intimate knowledge of my reproductive system. Damn. Isn't anything sacred any more?!
I'm also sad for daughter because I so want her to have a younger brother or sister, and now that I've been through the first 9 weeks of a pregnancy (ok, well, really 5 weeks that I've known) that I have become really comfortable with the idea of growing our family in 2008. Now it looks like the earliest we could hope for is a February 2009 baby. And if that is the case I won't be able to re-use any of my damn maternity clothes! Gah!
I realize that so many women go through this experience, and that the process is totally natural, but my feelings are still not comforted.
The news was not good even though the ultrasound tech didn't give me information one way or the the other. I recognized the image I saw on the computer screen. It was the same as last week. A big empty hole where a little heartbeat should be.
So now I wait. It is already past 5:00 so there's no way the doctor's office is calling today. I hate this waiting game. It is all so unfair and awful.
My MIL called this afternoon to see how my appointment went, and she seemed somewhat dismayed that I wasn't sitting here in tears mourning my loss. The truth is, I don't feel like that. Instead I'm just annoyed that we have to start all over. I'm annoyed that my body won't naturally rid itself of this pregnancy so I can get on with my life. I'm annoyed that I have to sit here waiting for a diagnosis that I already know, but need to hear the words for my own personal closure. I'm annoyed at the prospect of my holier-than-thou sister-in-law possibly saying something to me about how I might not have lost this pregnancy if I had a better diet... exercised more... prayed more to Jebus... whatever. I'm annoyed that my husband even told people in his family when I don't want them to have intimate knowledge of my reproductive system. Damn. Isn't anything sacred any more?!
I'm also sad for daughter because I so want her to have a younger brother or sister, and now that I've been through the first 9 weeks of a pregnancy (ok, well, really 5 weeks that I've known) that I have become really comfortable with the idea of growing our family in 2008. Now it looks like the earliest we could hope for is a February 2009 baby. And if that is the case I won't be able to re-use any of my damn maternity clothes! Gah!
I realize that so many women go through this experience, and that the process is totally natural, but my feelings are still not comforted.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A little bit pregnant, truly.
We hadn't been trying long, maybe 1 or 2 months before I got a BFP right before Christmas. We were both excited and nervous about the prospects of growing our family. Unlike the last time around I decided to share the news with our parents really early on, but now I'm beginning to understand why people don't do that.
My first appointment, scheduled for January 8th, unfortunately did not go as planned. Both Maggie and the husband came to the appointment with me. I was set to have an ultrasound, and we figured it would be a really special moment for us to all see the little heartbeat on the monitor together. Well, notsomuch. During the ultrasound the tech could not find the baby, only the gestational sac, which means one of two things--either the baby didn't develop past 4 or 5 weeks or that I was much further behind than I originally thought (the latter of which being near to impossible because I had been keeping close track of my dates). I left the office feeling teary, but trying to keep it together for Maggies sake. She asked me several times, "OK mommy? Feel better?" in that sweet little voice of hers which was enough to break my heart.
Before going home, I had to give some blood so they could check my HCG and progestrone levels. The results of this test would determine what the next step would be, but I also had to wait until the following morning since it was already 4:30 in the afternoon.
That night of waiting was absolutely awful. I prayed that the office would call me early in the morning with some news one way or the other. Well, thankfully they got me around 9:30, and told me that my hormone levels were high enough to indicate that I wasn't miscarrying and they also wanted me to schedule a HD ultrasound the following week (this upcoming Wednesday) to see if I had made any progress compared to my previous screen.
So now, here I sit in limbo. A little bit pregnant, but on the cusp of possibly losing it. I made the mistake of googling for information about this type of situation, and found that my chances were about 50/50. I still have pregnancy symptoms such as sore boobs, exhaustion, nausea and very sensitive smell, but every once in a while I wonder if it is all in my head. I dread each time that I go to the bathroom that I'm going to find something I'm not prepared for.
On top of all this, I feel like an impostor around my new mom friends who don't know what's up. Yesterday we met up with two of my newer mom friends and their girls at a pottery painting place and I was on the verge of tears trying to deal with one of Maggie's tantrums, yet I felt like a total ass because I couldn't tell them why I was acting the way I was. Way to turn off potential friends you know?
I had a long talk with my mom too, who told me the same thing had happened to her between myself and my brother. She had all sorts of philosophical b.s. to tell me about how I don't want the baby that "wasn't meant to be" yadda yadda yadda. While I appreciate her trying to reach out to me while I'm going through this, it wasn't what I needed to hear that night.
My best support so far has been from one of my best friends, who always wants to hear how I'm feeling. She has been even better than my husband, who I suspect is sick of hearing me whine about my pregnancy symptoms and my mental anguish about what might or might not be happening to my body.
I'm ready for this limbo to be over, no matter how things turn out. If I'm not pregnant, then I'm ready to move on try again. If I am still pregnant, then praise God, and let me move on to the next thing--figuring out how we're going to have a baby, a toddler and two grownups in a 850 s.f., two bedroom apartment!
My first appointment, scheduled for January 8th, unfortunately did not go as planned. Both Maggie and the husband came to the appointment with me. I was set to have an ultrasound, and we figured it would be a really special moment for us to all see the little heartbeat on the monitor together. Well, notsomuch. During the ultrasound the tech could not find the baby, only the gestational sac, which means one of two things--either the baby didn't develop past 4 or 5 weeks or that I was much further behind than I originally thought (the latter of which being near to impossible because I had been keeping close track of my dates). I left the office feeling teary, but trying to keep it together for Maggies sake. She asked me several times, "OK mommy? Feel better?" in that sweet little voice of hers which was enough to break my heart.
Before going home, I had to give some blood so they could check my HCG and progestrone levels. The results of this test would determine what the next step would be, but I also had to wait until the following morning since it was already 4:30 in the afternoon.
That night of waiting was absolutely awful. I prayed that the office would call me early in the morning with some news one way or the other. Well, thankfully they got me around 9:30, and told me that my hormone levels were high enough to indicate that I wasn't miscarrying and they also wanted me to schedule a HD ultrasound the following week (this upcoming Wednesday) to see if I had made any progress compared to my previous screen.
So now, here I sit in limbo. A little bit pregnant, but on the cusp of possibly losing it. I made the mistake of googling for information about this type of situation, and found that my chances were about 50/50. I still have pregnancy symptoms such as sore boobs, exhaustion, nausea and very sensitive smell, but every once in a while I wonder if it is all in my head. I dread each time that I go to the bathroom that I'm going to find something I'm not prepared for.
On top of all this, I feel like an impostor around my new mom friends who don't know what's up. Yesterday we met up with two of my newer mom friends and their girls at a pottery painting place and I was on the verge of tears trying to deal with one of Maggie's tantrums, yet I felt like a total ass because I couldn't tell them why I was acting the way I was. Way to turn off potential friends you know?
I had a long talk with my mom too, who told me the same thing had happened to her between myself and my brother. She had all sorts of philosophical b.s. to tell me about how I don't want the baby that "wasn't meant to be" yadda yadda yadda. While I appreciate her trying to reach out to me while I'm going through this, it wasn't what I needed to hear that night.
My best support so far has been from one of my best friends, who always wants to hear how I'm feeling. She has been even better than my husband, who I suspect is sick of hearing me whine about my pregnancy symptoms and my mental anguish about what might or might not be happening to my body.
I'm ready for this limbo to be over, no matter how things turn out. If I'm not pregnant, then I'm ready to move on try again. If I am still pregnant, then praise God, and let me move on to the next thing--figuring out how we're going to have a baby, a toddler and two grownups in a 850 s.f., two bedroom apartment!
Thank you Constance
You always knew that we needed a secret pink apartment building in the city. For this, I thank you greatly. xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)