Please don't deny me my right to feel.

Please let me preface this post by saying that it deals with a sensitive subject matter: infertility.

Please understand that my feelings are raw right now and that I mean no offense or hurt to anyone dealing with the struggle of not being able to conceive.


...


I have a friend who has been TTC with her husband for quite some time. While I wish her nothing but success, because I truly believe that she and her husband would make fabulous parents, I am beginning to feel like I can't be a supportive friend to her any more.

Of late, she has taken an "us vs. them" attitude towards conception and has really begun to piss me off. I know that it is easier to commiserate with people who have been through similar experiences and struggles, but I had always hoped that biology wouldn't hurt our friendship. I hope she realizes that I KNOW how fortunate my husband and I have been thusfar and that if I could give her some of my fertility, even if it meant some kind of painful procedure, I would do it.

All this said, I can't help but feel like I'm being penalized for something over which I have absolutely no control.

Recently, in her blog she made a comment that I felt was directed at me--it was along the lines of how she wanted to tell her pregnant friends who complain about pregnancy symptoms to STFU and realize how lucky they were, and how she would gladly trade places because "isn't it all worth it, after all?"

I know these comments were directed at me. She knows I read her blog. While I have never complained directly to her, she likely read comments regarding my current pregnancy on a message board we both belong to (about 30 women, we both know in one way or another). After mentioning that I was pregnant, I also mentioned that I had been suffering from debilitating morning sickness--the kind that has kept me either in bed, or in the bathroom puking for the greater part of two weeks thusfar.

The thing is, this time around, I have been so sick that I have had thoughts about whether or not it is worth it. Being this sick at 7 weeks, and knowing that there are at least 5 more weeks of feeling the same old shit, meanwhile "taking care" of a toddler will fuck with even the strongest mind.

I realize that my friend may feel that she wants what I have, but when I can barely feel that I even want what I have, it gets me thinking that she is highly idealizing my situation. . . and all of the "negative" things that people might think about parenthood, and dismiss aren't really the negative things at all. Blowout diapers and tantrums aren't the worst things about having a baby. That's nothing, compared to the emotional stress parenthood imparts on a mom who feels less than adequate most of the time, and who has been bedridden while letting television rot her toddler's brain, and the fear that a lifetime of less than adequate parenting may be fucking up my daughter for life. Oh yeah, and that I'm about to do it all over again? And that I'm not really sure that I want to? And that it scares the shit out of me?

I'm not sure I understand why I'm not allowed to feel this way in her world. Or why I'm not allowed to say that I feel this way because she thinks she wants what I have.

Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I feel like I've done everything I can to be sensitive to her, but then when I read something like what she wrote on her blog, it felt like a huge blow--especially when I feel like I'm just gasping for air right now.

Cleaning poop out of panties makes me want to...

. . . go absolutely batshit crazy.

I know all the potty training books say not to scold accidents, which is how I handle all pee-related leakage.

But poop, well that's an entirely different story. My daughter shits her pants on purpose because she claims that she's scared to go in the potty.

She has pooped in the potty several times before without issue.

WTF am I supposed to do with that?!

"Mommy doesn't like cleaning poop out of your panties. It is disgusting!"

Yet she continues to do it.

Help.