Waiting for today's ultrasound appointment was agony. I haven't been sleeping well and have had continued pregnancy symptoms as a constant reminder of the issue that has become central to my daily thinking for the past week.
The news was not good even though the ultrasound tech didn't give me information one way or the the other. I recognized the image I saw on the computer screen. It was the same as last week. A big empty hole where a little heartbeat should be.
So now I wait. It is already past 5:00 so there's no way the doctor's office is calling today. I hate this waiting game. It is all so unfair and awful.
My MIL called this afternoon to see how my appointment went, and she seemed somewhat dismayed that I wasn't sitting here in tears mourning my loss. The truth is, I don't feel like that. Instead I'm just annoyed that we have to start all over. I'm annoyed that my body won't naturally rid itself of this pregnancy so I can get on with my life. I'm annoyed that I have to sit here waiting for a diagnosis that I already know, but need to hear the words for my own personal closure. I'm annoyed at the prospect of my holier-than-thou sister-in-law possibly saying something to me about how I might not have lost this pregnancy if I had a better diet... exercised more... prayed more to Jebus... whatever. I'm annoyed that my husband even told people in his family when I don't want them to have intimate knowledge of my reproductive system. Damn. Isn't anything sacred any more?!
I'm also sad for daughter because I so want her to have a younger brother or sister, and now that I've been through the first 9 weeks of a pregnancy (ok, well, really 5 weeks that I've known) that I have become really comfortable with the idea of growing our family in 2008. Now it looks like the earliest we could hope for is a February 2009 baby. And if that is the case I won't be able to re-use any of my damn maternity clothes! Gah!
I realize that so many women go through this experience, and that the process is totally natural, but my feelings are still not comforted.
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6 comments:
I'm very sorry.
I'm so sorry about everything.
I have not gone through this, so I cannot say I know how you feel. But I can only imagine how terrible this is for you. And the awful treason (for me it would be) is that you aren't able to just grieve or be pissed or move on by yourself, you(r husband) has invited his family into these intimacies. Hang in there, we're here to listen.
Your words put me right back at those horrible little moments in a darkened ultrasound room. And I hurt for you. Your sister in law sounds horrendous. If it helps, my daughter did, finally, become a big sister and it is my fervent hope that yours will too.
Oh God I hate the ultrasound room. That room brought the worst news of my life twice ... I'm so sorry about this hon.
And Holier-than-thou SIL's who know just what to do to make & keep pregnancies need to be shot. Can we line mine up next to yours?
(((((((HUGS)))))))
People are terrible sometimes. Whatever you are feeling, it is completely valid.
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