Please let me preface this post by saying that it deals with a sensitive subject matter: infertility.
Please understand that my feelings are raw right now and that I mean no offense or hurt to anyone dealing with the struggle of not being able to conceive.
...
I have a friend who has been TTC with her husband for quite some time. While I wish her nothing but success, because I truly believe that she and her husband would make fabulous parents, I am beginning to feel like I can't be a supportive friend to her any more.
Of late, she has taken an "us vs. them" attitude towards conception and has really begun to piss me off. I know that it is easier to commiserate with people who have been through similar experiences and struggles, but I had always hoped that biology wouldn't hurt our friendship. I hope she realizes that I KNOW how fortunate my husband and I have been thusfar and that if I could give her some of my fertility, even if it meant some kind of painful procedure, I would do it.
All this said, I can't help but feel like I'm being penalized for something over which I have absolutely no control.
Recently, in her blog she made a comment that I felt was directed at me--it was along the lines of how she wanted to tell her pregnant friends who complain about pregnancy symptoms to STFU and realize how lucky they were, and how she would gladly trade places because "isn't it all worth it, after all?"
I know these comments were directed at me. She knows I read her blog. While I have never complained directly to her, she likely read comments regarding my current pregnancy on a message board we both belong to (about 30 women, we both know in one way or another). After mentioning that I was pregnant, I also mentioned that I had been suffering from debilitating morning sickness--the kind that has kept me either in bed, or in the bathroom puking for the greater part of two weeks thusfar.
The thing is, this time around, I have been so sick that I have had thoughts about whether or not it is worth it. Being this sick at 7 weeks, and knowing that there are at least 5 more weeks of feeling the same old shit, meanwhile "taking care" of a toddler will fuck with even the strongest mind.
I realize that my friend may feel that she wants what I have, but when I can barely feel that I even want what I have, it gets me thinking that she is highly idealizing my situation. . . and all of the "negative" things that people might think about parenthood, and dismiss aren't really the negative things at all. Blowout diapers and tantrums aren't the worst things about having a baby. That's nothing, compared to the emotional stress parenthood imparts on a mom who feels less than adequate most of the time, and who has been bedridden while letting television rot her toddler's brain, and the fear that a lifetime of less than adequate parenting may be fucking up my daughter for life. Oh yeah, and that I'm about to do it all over again? And that I'm not really sure that I want to? And that it scares the shit out of me?
I'm not sure I understand why I'm not allowed to feel this way in her world. Or why I'm not allowed to say that I feel this way because she thinks she wants what I have.
Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I feel like I've done everything I can to be sensitive to her, but then when I read something like what she wrote on her blog, it felt like a huge blow--especially when I feel like I'm just gasping for air right now.
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7 comments:
I have to rein myself in on this comment or I will go CRAZY because it is a hot-button subject for me: I agree with you completely, and have had similar experiences, and let's leave it at that.
I wondered this morning as I woke up if I would regret this post, or if perhaps my feelings might have changed overnight, especially since I was feeling particularly vulnerable last night. After re-reading in the light of day, I maintain my earlier feelings. This situation is downright shitty.
Swistle - I had a feeling you may be likeminded on this topic. If you ever feel that you don't want to "leave it at that" feel free to email me. You know where to reach me!
Hi! I am new to the building and knew I had to comment on this post.
I totally understand what you are going through. I have been going through the same type of situation with my SIL.She has yet to conceive and does not even come around her 2 nieces and 2 nephews because of it. Each pregnancy she felt was a stab at her. I really understand how she must feel, but I would hope if the situation was reversed, I would embrace the kids and become their FAVORITe aunt while I waited to become a parent.
Oh man, here I am rambling on and on.
Everyone wants their cross to be the heaviest in the bunch. I'm sure as a friend you certainly have pain for her, and she should have pain for you as well. I'm guessing it is pretty hard on her, but still... friendship needs to win out...
Athena - I'm in no way trying to pretend that my cross is heavier than hers. Believe me.
I'd just like not to be told indirectly to shut the f--- up for having feelings, you know?
I know this is an old post, but it's a big one with me. When my oldest was under 2 and I found out midway thru pregnancy that I was having twins, I was just shy of devastated. We just could barely afford a second baby and absolutely couldn't afford a third, and I was working full time, and daycare was going to cost us sooo much, plus we had to move out of our apt. and buy a minivan to accommodate all the baby seats... And a coworker who'd been dealing with infertility quit speaking to me. I am sure it was awful to be around me, but again, that's because she completely idealized her situation. Whereas, at that time, I idealized her situation of having plenty of money and not having to worry about every penny she spent, or how she would afford to eat for the next week.
My coworker wasn't wrong, and I tried to pretend to be happy about my situation, but I'm sure that she overheard my phone conversations with friends and could tell I was shell-shocked.
I feel bad for you with your friend. You and she each have every right to be upset about your own situations. And she'll probably bitch like the rest of us when/if she does get pregnant.
I myself struggled with infertility and have felt the hurt that comes when someone seems to have the one thing that will make you happy and it seems like they don't appreciate it. But that's a private thought to have and it's really wrong to assume that just because you have something she wants, that you lose your right to discuss frankly what you are going through. She also could have privately explained to you that even though it's irrational she feels badly when she hears you talk about it. There was no need to do a passive-aggressive rant that she knew you'd read. That was cowardly.
You are right that lots of infertile women take on an "us vs. them" attitude and I hate that. We should try to be supportive and happy for our friends. Personally I threw a baby shower while in the clutches of injectible fertility drugs and I was able to do it with a smile on my face because I love my friend.
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